kate/kite

In my last post, I was feeling really muddled and scattered and like I was just hanging on by a thread: the result of being on the wrong medication and struggling to control the automatic response of my PTSR brain to flee the scene when faced with triggering thoughts.

I kept having the image of myself-- my essential, conscious, "self" self-- as a kite, trailing along behind my robot body, unable to get back in and just be there and think stuff. There were moments where the thought-avoidance would get so bad that I couldn't focus on anything at all, not even the most mundane of things.

It's incredibly annoying and frightening when that happens. I know you'll understand just how annoying and frightening it eventually became when I tell you that it actually... drove me... to try...

mindfulness.

I know.

I mean, just a little. Just for a minute. Here and there. Just to get the goddamn self back into the goddamn body.

I'd think, Okay, okay, this is ridiculous, stop, I am right here, I am waaa---

Gone.

Ahem. I am RIGHT HERE. I AM WAAA--

Nope.

Motherfucker. I AM RIGHT HERE! I AM WAAAAALKING ALONG THE SIDEWALK. FEET ON THE GROUND. STEP. STEP. STEP.

What else? What were the other tricks? Oh, right:

I AM MAKING A POOL OF SALIVA IN MY MOUTH! TAKE THAT, LIZARD BRAIN! YOU ARE OFFICIALLY OFF DUTY NOW! IF I CAN MAKE SPIT, IT MEANS I'M NOT IN FIGHT-OR-FLIGHT!

(That last thing is actually really weird-but-true. It helps more quickly and viscerally than just about anything else. I think I've mentioned it here before, but I'll plug it again as a great technique for bringing yourself out of a triggered state. 

Why it works: when the brain goes into fight-or-flight mode, it shuts down all unnecessary bodily functions in order to mobilize to escape threat. Blood rushes from the areas of the brain that record time and memories and into the limbs for more efficient movement--and really crappy conversation-tracking-- and the saliva center shuts down completely, because who needs saliva when there's running to be done?

So if you start making a pool of saliva in your mouth-- for reals, no joke-- it shocks your lizard brain into retreat. It helps, somehow, to flip the switch and bring the other systems back online again. For those of you who get triggered out there, I give you this simple, DIY gift. Try it. You'll like it.)

So... yeah. I did that. A lot. And tried to hang on once I got back in. But it was exhausting and annoying and mostly I was just tired and irritated and sick of being both.

As far as full-time jobs go, this one blows.

I much prefer my other full-time jobs: raising my two glorious daughters and the creative work that results in the writing for this blog and other projects and the visual and architectural art and work and restoration that is slowly (very slowly) transforming our house and garden into an awesome place to live.

Which brings me back to the first thing I said in last week's post, about my medication still being off.

I went to see Psychopharm (I just love saying it, I can't help it), and told her the amitripltyline just wasn't cutting it, and that I was somehow feeling worse on 50mg than I had on 25mg, even though 25mg still hadn't been enough of what I needed.

I've LOVED the extra migraine prophylaxis effects of the amitriptyline-- I've been having 2-4 very mild migraine attempts each month since I started with it, as opposed to the 10-12 pretty solid migraine days per month on just the topomax alone, and the 25 horrible days per month I was having before I started taking preventative meds last september.

But Psychopharm said she wanted to switch me away from amitriptyline to Effexor, which functions more like Cymbalta, which, as you might remember, I had a bit of trouble disengaging with a few months ago, but which, aside from the ugly withdrawal thing at the end and some unfortunate... um... ph imbalance trouble in the ladyparts area that caused me chronic urinary tract infections (because, you know, that's a totally reasonable side effect to expect from an antidepressant, am I right? O.o)... it was actually pretty good at what it was supposed to be doing for me.

So she had me cut back to 25mg of amitriptyline. And then my husband suggested that I wait to do this next Big Med Switch until my sister and her husband, who are staying with us for a few months, get back from their honeymoon in Paris next week (swoon), since he has to travel a lot for business over the next few weeks and we never know how difficult the switch is going to be for me and it would be nice to do it with some support if I can.

Good idea.

So I stuck with the 25mg past the three days I was supposed to and I didn't make the switch.

It's been almost two weeks now, and I have to say... I feel pretty damn good.

It still doesn't do much for the anxiety-- I think there's still something missing from the cocktail-- but I like this 25mg of amitriptyline so much that when I go in for my checkup with Psychopharm on Tuesday, I'm going to tell her that rather than throwing out the baby with the bath water, I'd like to try adding something to this mix instead.

The Effexor can't be taken with this. But maybe there's something that can that will provide the promising features of Effexor; most notably the "lift" of energy that I am sorely missing, and the anxiety relief as well.

Anyway, wish me luck. While I'm still on the merry-go-round, this is the first time I've felt like I've had a sense of where I was and what I wanted. I've felt at the mercy of Psychopharm and her whims until now. Now I'd like to have a say in the matter. 

So I'm going to give a bit of pushback: I've found something that works in ways that are very important to me. Now find me something to fill in the gaps. It may not be possible, but let's at least try that first.

Huh. Would you look at me, standing my ground and demanding stuff. It's like Invasion of the Body Snatchers around here! These drugs might be working better than I thought! ;)