Saturday, March 29, 2014

We All Have Reasons For Moving

I've been thinking about how difficult it can be to figure out how and when to move forward. How to figure out when moving is what you should be doing but aren't. And if it's because you're stalling or because you still have more to do where you are. Or if it's because you don't actually know what moving looks like so wouldn't know it even if you were doing it by accident.

There come times, in this work, where the next move gets handed to me and it's very clear and it just happens because the handing was the thing and then it's done and there I am, somewhere new. 

And then there are times where the preparation for the next move gets handed to me and seems obvious that the next move is one I'll be needing to make on my own recognizance. 

That one. That's the one I'm trying to do right now.

I hate that one.

I've been handed a bunch of awareness. Awareness of when I'm triggered, and even why and how a lot of the time. And what I need to do for the next move is get a handle on that in my body. 

DO something with it other than just react, react.

Or, you know, pop a lorazepam,

I've done the observing thing. Oh look, there's me, triggered. Yep. That's me, triggered all right. Triggered as all hell. Skin crawling, patience gone, feeling like I want to crawl into a cave and wait it out. I AM TRIGGERED AND I KNOW IT. Situation noted.

I was talking with Dr. Oz about this the other night, and I told her I thought it was time to add a new step to this. I was very good at noticing it. So then what?

"Maybe it's time for some self-talk, then," said Dr. Oz. "Have the Rational Adult step in and talk to that triggered part, and remind her that she's here in the present, she's safe, she's alive, she's okay."

I must have had that Oh jesus parts talking to each other again you've got to be kidding me expression on my face-- I didn't mean to but I can't seem to help it-- because then she said, "Or maybe you do some daily journaling about it. What happens when you get triggered? What are the triggers? What happens in your body? Where do you feel it? What makes it stop? Just doing some writing like this will help you to be mindful about it and keep it grounded in the present, in reality."

Well. Yeah. It would also keep me from just glossing over the noticing part. Instead of Yep, there it is, I'd have to do something more like: 

I notice that I get triggered when I feel defensive, and I feel defensive when I feel overwhelmed by having to hold too many plans or commitments in my head at one time, or when someone tells me what to do. Either something I already knew to do and was doing or was planning to and just hadn't communicated yet because I don't communicate well, or something I should have known to do but didn't because I am not on top of my game.

Both make me extremely defensive because both make me ashamed of the way I conduct myself. And shame = trigger.

And trigger = crawling skin, short temper, restricted breath, high anxiety, panic, hot/cold flashes, a need to escape and lock down, shut down, soothe, soothe, soothe and equalize.

Yeah. That. Daily journaling done for today.

So, back to moving. I was thinking about how difficult it can be for me to move into a new way of being during all of this. How high the bar seems, how overwhelming it feels to think of adding another box to the checklist. I feel like I can only manage a small number of things at once, and adding more to the list will upset the balance irrevocably.

But I need to add a few, and now: care for my back. Yoga. Exercise. Neuro-feedback for the anxiety.

It's hard to feel like I can add these things smoothly into my day, even though I know there is time for them. I find it extremely difficult to see the ease in transitions between one thing and another. Everything feels too big for its time slot, too urgent, too difficult, too overwhelming. It's like my scale is broken and I can't properly size anything.

Intellectually, I totally get it. But my body is triggered over this right now. I'm refusing to let it escape. The med roller coaster has helped to gain back 25 pounds of the 35 I'd lost and kept off for more than a year. I'm switching to a new med with no association with weight gain, and I'm getting back on the weight loss and exercise horse, and I'm losing those 25 pounds again.

And the other 35 I'd wanted to lose right behind them.

But at the moment, sitting down on the floor and stretching sends me into my frozen cave, because it somehow feels too big and scary for my schedule.

What. The FUCK.

You know, it helps to write it down like this because I can see how ridiculous that is.

Okay, Journaliing for today, part II, done.

Moving. I wanted to talk about this because it made me think of my favorite Mark Strand poem:
Keeping Things Whole
           In a field
           I am the absence
           of field.
This is
always the case.
Wherever I am
I am what is missing.
When I walk
I part the air
and always
the air moves in
to fill the spaces
where my body's been.
We all have reasons
for moving.
I move
to keep things whole. 

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