Update. Idea. Question.

For the past several months, this blog has been largely about migraines, medications, depression, and anxiety.

I haven't talked much about the PTSD directly, because I've been dealing more with some of the major, immediate symptoms and all the hootenannies that come along with them.

If weeks-long migraines and the psychotropic medication-circus can be called "hootenannies."

(And why the hell not? Makes them sound so much more delightful than "horrible death marches to nowhere." Hootenannies it is, then.)

Time for an update, then:

It's all still there.

Still get triggered, still hyper-vigilant, still get that weird cold/numb off-gassing feeling in my legs and arms when I start talking about the accident.

What's different is that I shut down less often. I succumb to the fog less often. I have learned to anticipate when these things will happen and prepare for them. 

I write things down. I take a lorazepam. I breathe deeply. I remind myself that I am alive. I think about how much I understand, now, about what is happening in my brain and body when I'm triggered, and that keeps me grounded in reality.

None of those things are the same as not getting triggered. None of those things mean that I now have authentic emotional reactions to things as often as I want to, or as often as I think I should. 

I don't. I wish I did. Someday I might. Someday hasn't happened yet.

But it's all a far sight better than it was, and that's something.

Knowledge is power. If you're of a certain disposition, that adage alone can get you through many a dark night.

I am of that disposition.

Hi. Sherlock here. Have we met?

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One thing that helps me feel like I'm moving this whole giant caravan of baggage forward is turning outward and looking for opportunities to connect with other people who might be suffering in similar ways.

I have been able to do that with some readers of this blog who have reached out to me. I have been able to do it with a couple of friends in real life. I am hoping to find ways to make a broader impact with this blog and with the book it will become, and by sharing my experience with people who are looking for guideposts on their own paths out of the darkness.

I've told you before that I'd like to turn this blog into a book at some point, and while brainstorming ideas about how to do that, I thought of this:

What do you think about me looking for venues to do readings from this blog? Who do you think would like to hear it? Where do you think I should look?

I have some ideas, myself, but I'm interested to hear what you might think about this.

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One last thing before I go. Mild migraine again, yesterday and today. My triptan didn't work-- my prescribed migraine medication. But once again, you know what did?

Lorazepam.

So I'm on a new course of research: Why does a benzodiazapine stop my migraine? 

So far, everything I've seen tells me that it doesn't. Benzos are not painkillers. Benzos are not vasodilators. They do not affect the cause of migraine. They are not effective in the treatment of migraine.

BUT THEY STOP MINE. Every time, without fail. So.

What the hell am I supposed to make of that?

Things that make you go hmmmmm...